Just holding onto a moment

This morning I had one of those moments that was just right.
I stood alone in my cleanish kitchen. Clean, if you avoid looking down.
The boys are well and back in school.
Laundry is nearly done.
Dustin stayed home and took Stella to the doctor as she seemed not quite back on track.
I made a cup of tea. It was hot and really good.
The sun is shining really bright in through the windows.
For just a moment everything and everyone was mostly taken care of.
It is moments like this that allow me to keep going.
They may be small and fleeting, but it is usually enough to keep me going.
This just in: Hubby called. Stella has a double ear infection. Yea, something treatable.

I don't care how thick my skin is, sometimes it just hurts.

A few years back a pediatrician that we had landed with for the moment and thought, for a moment, we were happy with gave me this less than stellar advice..."Miles is just different. He will always be different. So instead of focusing so much on how to change him, you would be better off just growing some thick skin and getting on with it."
I can't remember what my question was that prompted her to say that. I just remember leaving there with my head sort of spinning, wondering if I should take my kids medical files with me now or pick them up later, because I sure as hell wasn't coming back.
Well her advice was crap. Except for maybe the 'grow a thicker skin' part.
I have found that I have stopped noticing as often when people stare or respond in a less than sensitive way to some of Miles' behaviors.
I don't have the time or really the desire to explain to every person that seems uncomfortable around my kid what exactly is going on.
For the most part he pretty much blends right in and save for some random flapping in most situations you wouldn't even be able to tell that he has autism.
So when I got pulled aside a few weeks ago at his gymnastics class to be informed that they did not any longer feel he was a good fit for the class I was shocked and happy for my thickened skin.
It took every ounce of will power and energy I have to not bust out crying as I was being told that the coach running Miles' class wasn't used to working with 'special' kids. Any other coach would love to have him, but this just is not a good fit and could I please get him out of class now and maybe try back another time for another class, where he might fit in better. He is doing great, blah, blah, just not a fit with this class, blah, not fair to the other kids. Ouch.
The worst part was that when I walked up to pull him out of the class he was fully participating, as he had been each week, and had the biggest flippin' smile smeared across his face.
When I asked him to come on because we had to go home, he responded with,"Mom, not now I am doing my gymnastics."
Thick skin or not. That hurt like hell.
My husband met me in the parking lot. He was coming to take over so that I could head off to a curriculum night at school.
He dropped the kids off with his parents and then went back to the gym to let the staff and owner know what we thought of their lack of sensitivity.
We had after all spoken with them before the classes started about our concerns and we were assured it would be fine.
There is just nothing like the disappointment of your own child to break through even the thickest skin.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.....

So here is a little diddy that made me laugh after the fact. I was too stricken with anxiety the day it played out to see any humor in it. Now, I think it's kind of funny.
The first day of school the kiddos and I gathered in the driveway to wait for Miles' school bus. He was anxious. I was a wreck and there was a lot of tension in the air. We were strangely calm and ready early. Way out of character for us. As we stood there in a sort of huddle waiting for the bus, this conversation ensued....
Me: Okay Miles, your bus will be here soon. hand wringing
Miles: No Mom. I no go school. hand wringing
Me: School is fun. liar You will be fine. doubtful
Miles: No Mom. I stay home.
Caleb: It's okay Miles. You get to ride the bus. The bus will be so cool. I wish I could ride a bus to school.
Caleb: whispered to me. I hope it's not a short bus.
Me: Evil glare, but thinking the same damn thing.

Now before you think I am a horrible person let me just tell you this. Do you remember those little jerks that you went to school with? They made fun of you for not having the right outfit and they made fun of your bff for her frizzy hair? Well, they also made fun of the 'short bus'. Well, guess what. Those jerks grew-up and some of them had kids and some of those kids go to school with Miles and I don't want them to have anything on him. Not funny clothes, not goofy hair, no short bus.
In case your curious. The bus was medium. Not full size, but not quite short. And he loves it.

I am still here. Just spread really, really thin at the moment..

I love referring to myself as 'thin'. Even if I am just referring to my time and my emotional well-being. Myself and thin in the same sentence feels good.
I have been crazy busy lately.
We did indeed lay some floors. Grouting was a bitch. I will post some pictures soon. We put tile in the kitchen, hallway, half-bath and foyer. We put new carpet in the family room. It is the shaggy kind. I love it. I can dig my toes way into it and the kids can flop and watch t.v..
The plan was to put wood in the dining and living rooms. However, I decided that I would rather remove the wall between the two rooms and make it one large space. We were running low on time and even lower on money, so we decided that project would have to wait.
Now I have worn-down ugly ass carpet meeting my new beautiful tile. Pretty.
I made a mad attempt to shove a bunch of fun activities into the last month of summer. August was busy. Fun, but busy. I will fill you in on some of that soon too.
Someone lifted my bank account information when I order supplements for my son online. They drained our bank account. Twice. We were well over $1000 in the hole at one point.
Thanks to my generous donation, I think half of Miami is now signed up for some network called i-friends.com. Glad I could help.
The money, including the hundreds of dollars in insufficient funds fees was reimbursed. Fairly quickly. Woo hoo!
School started. Miles is pissed. He is currently working from a desk in the hallway, as he refuses to go into the actual classroom. That won't make him stand out at all.
His teacher reports that he is doing his work, and comes into the class only when necessary. She is cool with his baby-steps. Thank goodness.
Caleb is happy. Loves his teacher. Loves his friends. Hates that I won't let him pack a soda for lunch.
Stella has her 'slow-start' day on Monday. She and a handful of her classmates will go in on this day to be assessed and get acquainted with the room.
I vote for full day kindergarten and a 'quick-start'. No such luck. She is very excited and already has her outfit all picked out.
I will start posting regularly again soon. I feel the comfort of my routine settling back in. I miss reading what everyone else has been up to. Feel out of the loop. I will be back. (that was said in my best Terminator voice)

Berry Pickin' Good

I promised myself that I would post today, whether or not my mind still feels like mush. So here is my best effort. Some words interspersed with photos.

We went berry picking. This is Miles being his silly self. I would check his basket and ask where all his berries had gone. He would show me his mouth and say, "spell tummy, Mommy." That's his way of saying, "Why pick them and take them home when I can stand here and eat them right off the bush?"


This is Caleb, Stella and Ms. Bre. Bre was Miles' preschool teacher for 3 years and Stella's teacher for 2 years. We love her. We can't let her go, so we make her hang out with us in the summer. Really, she is one of Miles' summer-time tutors. She is always willing to field trip it with us and we always have a blast.
Notice the ear-bud protruding from Caleb's ear. He is not in training to become a member of the Secret Service. He IS getting to 'that age'. Lord help me, I can only hear 'Boom Boom Pow' so many times before I want to boom, boom, whack somebody.



I'm sorry, but how could you not love the person that belongs to these legs. She picks out her own outfits and these are her favorite socks. They are black and red with silver dots. They are so Rock-n-Roll, and so is she. As far as she is concerned, they match everything. Don't bother trying to tell her otherwise.



The fruits of our labor. Black raspberries and they are soooo yummy. We ate them over vanilla ice-cream with chocolate sauce.



After a day of berry picking and lunch at Whole Foods, I was feeling all green inside, so we also hit the farmers market. We got honey, straight from the hands of the bee keepers. Goat's milk feta. A savory blend with paprika and garlic and a sweet blend with orange and cranberries. We also snatched up a cherry and hot pepper jam. Seriously yummy.

Life is Just a .....

Well. What did you expect. These cherries cost me almost $6. Stella saw them and had to have them. I even tried to bribe her with a free cookie from the bakery. She has ALWAYS wanted to try cherries. Now she has.

Spring Break: The Recap

I took a little time away from blogging to hang with the kids during their Spring Break. I did sneak down to the computer a few times to read blogs. I just didn't write anything.
I thought I would wow and thrill you all with a little sampling of what we did with all of our free time. Fascinating, I know.
We of course celebrated Easter. Miles was the only one in the family with enough sense to recognize that Easter in Ohio does not allow for what the rest of the world deems to be required Easter attire. You know, cute sun dresses, shorts, and skirts. Ignoring the weather, as we Ohioans do, I set out his super cute plaid shorts and a long sleeve button down shirt. He came downstairs wearing the cute shirt with some not so cute sweat pants. When I asked him about his choice he said, "Mom, I freezing."
I couldn't argue with that. We did however compromise with a pair of dress pants. I also finally got him to unbutton the very top button of his shirt. My kids have it in their little heads that shirts must be buttoned all the way to the top. All buttons provided, must be used. I, their claustrophobic mother, can not stand the sight of their necks being choked out by that top button. Miles is usually the only one that I can convince that his shirt will not fall off if we leave just that one button undone.
I was very un-Jesus-like when I got to church on Easter and I kind of cursed all of the people who come to church once a year and had the fore-sight to get there early and steal my seats.
I will have to remember to add my name to the prayer list. 'Please pray for Kim. She needs to be forgiven for cursing seat-stealers. Also, for yelling at her kids to unbutton their shirts. Amen.'
It rained for the next few days. We barely made it through. I hid from the children a lot.
Back in March, I used the Jedi mind trick on Caleb. I convinced him that if he waited until Spring Break to have his birthday party, he could invite two friends over AND have pizza AND go to the movies. I told him we would buy him a gift too. He totally went for it, even though we have NEVER not bought him a gift and allowed him to have a party. The Jedi mind trick allowed me to make him think this was going to be something out of the ordinary. When all I was really looking to do was buy myself an extra month before I had to pony-up the cash for the party. So he had his two friends over and they chose a movie that was playing at the dollar theater. Total. Score.
I went to Ikea with my Mom and Sister. Totally fun. I had never been to an Ikea and although I think we pushed my Sister to her shopping limits we had a great time. I got a super cute fish rug for the kids bathroom. $4.00. Set of kids multi-colored drinking glasses. $1.99. I left with a big bag of stuff and only spent $20.00. Yay.
My Mom and I took the kids to the zoo. It was outrageously busy. There is a new baby elephant and apparently most of Ohio came to see him on that particular day. I couldn't justify standing in a VERY long line with my kids get a quick peek at the new babe. We will check him out in a month when he is 100 lbs heavier and the hoopla has died down a bit.
Something else that I noticed at the zoo was that people misinterpret 'wheel chair accessible' for huge stroller and double wagon accessible. I get that families with small children need strollers, but really does your 6 and 9 year old need to be pulled around in a wagon? And how 'bout you keep your dirty looks to yourself when my 4 year old is blocking the way of your ginormous pre-teen whom you are dragging around in a wagon. If he can't see maybe he could get off his butt and stand for a minute. Oh, and by the way, maybe you should move your off-road vehicle of a stroller out of the way of the family that actually needs to utilize the ramp. Sorry. There were some rude people at the zoo.
It was a fun time regardless. The rhino was going crazy. Rolling in a giant mud puddle and running circles around his enclosure. Note to self: if you meet a rhino in the wild don't bother running. They are really fast. We got a kick out of his antics. I think the monkeys were experiencing some spring fever. They were whooping it up as well.
We capped off the week with a party at our neighbor's house. It was great. Lots of food and the kids ran and played and generally wore themselves out.
My hubby worked most of the week. He works more hours when he is not teaching than when he is. The limo business is picking up so he is busy on the weekends as well. We miss him, but we see light at the end of the tunnel as far as the mountain of debt is concerned. And we like to eat, so we encourage his excellent work ethic.

Bad dog

I was gone for approximately 25 minutes yesterday morning. During that time the dog ate 5 large granny smith apples. Really? Who eats that many apples in one sitting? He is a glutenous beast.
I called my sister who happens to be my 'go-to girl' for all things animal related. She told me that apple seeds are toxic to dogs. Super. She said he wouldn't die, but would probably throw up. Again. Super.
I spent the better part of the day following him through the house. He never did throw up, but he did crap applesauce. Outside. Thank you, Lord for that one.
I consulted my handy-dandy dog training manual. The book informed me that my dog was not a bad dog. I am a bad dog owner. I should offer him a safe place to be when I am gone. What do they know?
We used to keep him safe behind baby gates. He got too big and just jumped over them. We are going to have to break down and buy a kennel. Can I hear a cha-ching. Kennels are not cheap. I know, I know, we bought the dog and all the responsiblity that goes with it.
On the bright side, I can always double it's use by putting the kids in the kennel when the dog is not using it. They deserve a safe place too.

Paying down the Debt

I bought a purse this weekend and you would have thought I was trying to decide on a new home. I had to make two trips to the store before I actually talked myself into the purchase.
It is hard for me to go out and spend money on something that is not a need, but more of a want.
Granted the cat made a scratching post out of my last purse, and we were not talking a Coach purse, but an on sale off-brand purse. Still it was hard.
We have been trying to pay off some fairly steep debts for the past few years.
The fact is that we have this heinous debt because we had all kinds of wants that we were too impatient to wait for and now all we have to show for that is debt.
After three kids, lots of wanting, and the decision to be a stay at home mom family we were ass neck deep in debt. Staring bankruptcy in the face.
Then my husband discovered Dave Ramsey. We started our 'envelope' system and we don't buy anything unless we can pay cash for it. In the beginning it really sucked. I swear I had Target withdrawls.
The first Christmas was the worst. I cried on Christmas Eve as I looked at what seemed to be a meager amount of gifts. I actually filled my kids stockings with fruit. I thought they would wake up and wonder what they had done to tick off Santa.
They of course didn't. They were just as happy with their much parred down Christmas as they had been with the over indulgent Christmases of the past. Did not even seem to mind the fruit filled stockings.
It is still hard at times. We are closer, but still a few years away from being debt free. It is nice knowing where our money goes. Even knowing that it is going to a credit card company is not so bad when you know you are that much closer to freedom.
When I bought the purse, a very helpful cashier told me that if I opened a store credit card I could save 15%. I told her and would pass and then handed her my 15% off coupon I had received in the mail and paid for the purse in cash.

Random thoughts of the day

I can get my two younger kids to do almost anything if I offer to race them.
It irritates Caleb that I let them win.
He is almost 9 years old and getting way too cool for our silly races. When the races occur in public it is serious cause for a lot of eye-rolling and head shaking on his part.
He only likes to race if I promise to really try. Little does he know, I am really trying.
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I noticed that Miles gets away with saying things to me that the other kiddos would not get away with.
It is hard to tell someone that uses so few words that anything that comes out of their mouth is inappropriate.
Today he wanted me to start playstation for him. He said, "Come on now. Lazy bones. I wanted it now."
He's pushin' it.
We do work on appropriate language with him. I promise. It's just to know how far he has come over the last few years is amazing. Sentences like that would have been unheard of. He would have just cried until I figured it out by process of elimination.
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We had the carpets cleaned today. The only thing that would be better is if we had hardwood floors installed. I know that is way, way, way down the list of things that will eventually get done, so I am really happy about the cleaning.
The red marker spot left by the marker eating pup is now a hardly noticeable pink spot.
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It is science fair time. Caleb chose the topic 'What is the best way to keep ice frozen?'. I felt this had been covered with the invention of the freezer, but he disagrees. If we find a better way I will be sure and pass it along.

Just Ring if You Need Anything

The brown and white pup was having trouble with the whole house-breaking thing. We had heard about training dogs with bells that you hang on the door that you typically send your dog out to do their business. The idea being that you walk the dog to the door. Ring the bells. Open the door. Take the dog out to 'go' and then reward the dog. Very Pavlov. The dog will eventually be conditioned to ring the bells and expect the door to open so he can go do his thing in the great outdoors, rather than the rug.
It totally worked. Within a few days the pup was ringing his bell to go out and no more accidents on the rug.
Here's the catch. The pup is now taking advantage of the bells. A few weeks ago, I was upstairs trying to get into the shower before the kids got up.
I hear the bells, grab a towel and go running downstairs. The pup is sitting by his food bowl. He wanted to be fed. Now.
In the mornings when Caleb is downstairs trying to eat breakfast the pup is relentless in his ringing. When I yell down to tell Caleb to let the pup out, he informs me that the pup wants to play.
He rings and when Caleb stands to let him out he runs and gets his ball. He wants to play fetch. Now.
The past few days he has been ringing like a crazy dog. Whether I am doing laundry, showering or let's be honest, reading blogs, I am constantly interrupted by the bell ringing of a very impatient pup.
I watched him last night after he 'rang' to get out for the billionth time. Caleb made one of those pine cones smeared with peanut butter and then rolled in bird seed, bird feeders. The pup can smell the peanut butter and is trying to figure out how to gets his paws on it. Hence, the need for the billion trips outside.
Now, you might be thinking I should just ignore him. Hells no. That is when he leaves me a big stinky present by the backdoor, and looks at me with a roll of his eyes and a shoulder shrug and says, "I rang, where the hell were you?"
I am afraid that I will be answering to the call of his bell for years to come, unless I can figure out how to install a doggy door.


I think the pup was worn out after all of his bell ringing. If he wasn't so good with the kids, I might be tempted to leave him curbside.

The Romance Might be Fading.

I love my husband. A lot. I really, really do. Sometimes though he says things that make me think the romance might be fading.
He came downstairs last night and said, "Did you see that I made Miles' bed? Do you want to hump?"
Even less now than about 10 seconds ago.
I don't know if I was more offended by the 'hump' word or that is has become so apparent that I am willing to trade sexual favors for household chores?
Regardless, a gal needs a little foreplay. Maybe if he had done the dishes then made the bed....

Feel that breeze?

I can open my windows today and that makes me just so stinkin' happy. I cracked the kitchen window at 6:30am, just because I could. It was chilly, but it wasn't freezing.
By this time of the year I feel trapped in my own home. Made prisoner by cold wet weather and end of winter colds and coughs.
We needed to get out. Even just to the backyard.
Miles and Stella are outside jumping on the trampoline and romping on the play set. The brown and white pup is happy to have friends to play outside with him.
Everyone is in a better mood today than they have been all week.
Poor Myrtle, the kitty, is the only one not allowed outside. Stella freaks out when I mention it. She is so afraid that she won't come back or that she will get lost. I am thinking about trying her on a kitty leash.
The hubby says to count him out of any walks that involve our crazy kitty on a leash. We will have to see how it goes.

What Expiration Date?

Today, I was going to write about my MIL and her unwillingness to accept expiration dates. I love my MIL. She is great and would do anything for myself or the kids.
I worry that some day she will come across this blog and her feelings would be hurt if she read what I was going to write.
So, I will just say that she does not believe in expiration dates. For anything. Milk, meat, cheese. If it has been frozen, it is good. I recently saw some chicken from 1994 in her freezer. 15 year old chicken. Yummy.
Recently, she discovered the little green bags. As seen on t.v.. Bananas last indefinitely. You know the ones.
She bought me some and I tried them out. The strawberries did last longer, but they got strangely hard.
In my mind I pictured some weird space-aged chemical seeping from the bags into my strawberries keeping them from aging. Years from now I would notice that the children were not aging, due to the high amounts of the anti-aging chemicals they had ingested by eating 'fresh' fruit.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep my berries from aging. I had to let them go naturally.
I am afraid my MIL is going to buy these bags in bulk. I am afraid we are going to go over one day and everything in the fridge and pantry will be 'green-bagged'. I bet she could get one more year out of her 2001 mayo if it's in the green bag.

Sinking

I feel like I am sinking this week. Everywhere I look there is something calling, no shouting, to be taken care of.
I started babysitting again, after a few glorious months off, and I am finding it hard to get back in the groove of having a 2.5yr old around the house. He got the boot from his last sitter for being too 'active'. I am starting to feel her pain. He has some things going on that are all too familiar, speech delays, sensory processing disorders, so I know I will stick it out with him. The underdogs need love too.
My freakin' mop, even once forcefully assembled by the hubby, is still not working.
I dread the phone call to the company. I am going to try the super-nice approach first. We will see how far that gets me.
Miles is still not wanting to go to school. I don't know what is going on with him. What I wouldn't give for a peek into his mind. Today it doesn't feel fair. Today, no fooling around. I need to be able to talk with my son. Today, I am struggling.
Miles just qualified for a level 1 medicaid waiver. It is supposed to be better than the family directed resources we were receiving, but so far it has been a lot of dead ends. None of our current therapists or doctors accept medicaid.
We do have a wonderful team of teachers who are becoming certified medicaid providers so that they can start tutoring Miles at home. I am hoping to keep him nearly full-time this summer, or at least a few days a week. I think it will be so important that he not loose any of the skills he learned this year if he is to be successful next year.
I am going to take today, one thing at a time. I need to accomplish something, or seriously, I might sink.
I read about Olivia today in Jodie's blog. She touched my heart. How could she not. See for yourself, and say a prayer.

I'm not stupid. Just weak.

In November, a surprise landed on my doorstep. An H2O mop. Like the kind you see on t.v.. I had drooled over this mop for months. My Dad, over-indulgent as ever, bought it for me.
I loved it. It worked great. On the dreaded, but tolerated because we are poor, linoleum. On the carpet, stains came up like magic. Magic, people. Seriously. My kids could eat off the floor without me wondering what disease they would contract.
Then, it died. No heat. No steam. No magic. Damn.
I called the company and explained the situation. They said it sounded like the boiler died. Fine, whatever, just send me a new one. Need. Mop. Now.
I was too excited at the prospect of getting my mop back in working order to argue about the fact that I had to pay over $13 for a product that is under warranty. Why should I have to pay shipping and handling for your broken product? In an effort to be nice and maybe expedite the shipping of the new 'body' for my mop I let it go.
Monday, my new mop 'body' arrived. Yesterday the pup ate a marker and in the process turned the carpet red. Later he threw up red banana peels.
Definitely time for the magic mop.
I started taking apart the old mop so that I could attach the new body to the old handle and mop head. Much to my frustration the water tank would NOT fit on the new body.
I rarely loose it. I mean really loose it. After red carpet, red pup and red vomit and a magic mop that would NOT fit together. I lost it.
I called the company again. I was quickly in touch with a costumer service lady. She assured me that the water tanks were interchangeable. I assured her they were not. We went back and forth like this for an uncomfortable amount of time.
I finally said, "Look, I am not STUPID. I can attach a water tank to a mop. I can attach it to the old mop just fine. It will not fit on the new mop."(I was repeating this action, as if she could some how see me proving my point)
At this point she asked me to "Please Hold."
She came back and said that her supervisor said that she could send out a new tank. She added, "The tanks are interchangeable though."
I swear, I tried to shove the tank through the phone and up her nose. It wouldn't fit.
On my way home from the dentist last night, I called the hubby to say I was on my way. He said he had assembled my mop for me. ( I had not told him about my phone call)
In my defense, it was really hard for him to get the tank on. He had to force it. I still say, "Interchangeable, my ass."

Happy Day.

Today was a good day. The only thing that would have made it better is if my hubby did not have to work all day.
He drove the limo ALL day for one wedding party, popping in on us periodically between drop-offs and pick-ups.
The kids and I decided on an outing to Toys 'R' Us and Walmart. They received Valentines Day moola from the Grandparents and needed to spend it NOW!
This suited me fine, as the cabin fever was setting in and I needed to get out.
Stella and Miles found what they wanted at Toys 'R' Us. Miles chose a new Thomas. Of course. Stella got a polly pocketish deal, but it was Cinderella. Those shoes are just soooo small.
The people in line behind me were giving me the 'sigh', because I asked the cashier to do two transactions so each kid could pay with their own money.
Oh, how I wish my parents would have taught me more about money while I was young. Saving it. Spending wisely. Credit cards are Evil.
I just got the old "my money doesn't grow on trees, ask your Dad when you are at his house this weekend," speech.
Caleb, being older and wiser, held out over the shiny temptations at the first store and spent his cash at Walmart. He got his gun, some caps for said gun and two small lego sets. He is still in the market for a scope and helmet. Super.
I decided to run for Mom of the year, or at least the day, and went through Mc Donalds on the way home. It totally worked. Everyone told me this was like "the best day ever!"
It was a good day.