I find a lot of my prayers begin with this initial request. "Lord, please forgive me."
"Forgive me for wishing my kids would just be quiet. Forgive me for yelling. Forgive me for fantasizing about running away and starting that new life. The life where no one calls me 'Mama' and no one needs a single thing from me and I am back in school and preferably living very near the beach."
I am thankful my God is a forgiving God. I need to be forgiven. I am thankful some fantasies are never fulfilled.
Today, on our way to church, Miles said "Mom, show me a happy face."
This is what he says when the face has been too angry for too long. I responded with a smile that was too toothy and big to be taken as the real thing, and then I quietly prayed.
"Lord, please forgive me. For my impatience and for my feelings of frustration over kids just being kids. Forgive me for the curses I thought about my husband, as he is already at church doing your work, and he was not there to help poke and prod the kids through breakfast, oh Lord."
I know that he heard me.
I apologized to the kids for the harsh rush out the door.
"Sorry guys for the angry face and the too loud words, but please next Sunday let's plan better."
They too are so forgiving.
We got home feeling better for the prayers and the fellowship. We bundled up and took the pup to the park. We ran a lot. We stopped for ice-cream on the way home.
I am working on forgiving myself. That is the hardest forgiveness to come by.
It's Finally Fall, Y'All
2 weeks ago
Last night, I typed up the most deep and insightful comment ever, and as I hit post our crappy internet connection died and it was lost forever.
ReplyDeleteBut I was saying that I desperately wish I knew more about what Jesus was like as a little boy, and I figure that if he was "fully human" then he was sort of annoying. And probably Mary was irritated with him, wished he'd hurry up, wished he'd shut up, maybe wondered if he was really the Messiah, etc. I wonder if he wrestled with his brothers inside, and pretended everything was a sword, screamed "no!" all the time as a toddler, etc.
stopping by from Christy's place. i enjoy your writing style. i'll be back.
ReplyDelete...don't be too hard on yourself....kids learn alot from parents who admit when they've made a mistake and ask for forgiveness. =D